Lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…

A truth about me.

People lie.  They tell small lies.  They tell big lies.  They omit.  Package it any way you like, it’s still a lie.  Do I lie? Yes.  I do.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but yes I do, though I can say I don’t remember the last time I did. 

About two years or so ago, it was pretty ridiculous how much I lied.  Sometimes I’d lie because I think it’s just better to spare someone’s feelings…as though I’m helping them in some regard because, clearly, I can handle it, but they can’t (insert sarcasm). Other times I’d lie to just shut someone the fuck up. Even worse, I’d lie to get out of plans…because, well, the book/person I was talking to at that moment/food I was eating/glass of wine/piece of lint on the wall/etc was more interesting.  Mostly, I was just afraid of saying “No” to people.

With that said, it was brought to my attention about around that time by a wonderful friend who noticed I was “sick” or “tired” a lot.  She called me out on my bullshit and I was ashamed.  Very, very ashamed.  It seems, I’d gotten so used to wanting to get out of things to make it easier on me, I forgot I was actually LYING to those I love the most.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this…

Do I have some terrible truth to share?

Am I STILL lying?

No to both.  These days, I really cannot remember the last time I lied, which is pretty damn amazing.  With that said, after reading this I’m fairly certain you’ll have no reason to believe me, but, then again, why would I share this to begin with?

Writing this came to mind because we recently served legal documents on someone who refused to acknowledge his own existence even though he was sitting at a desk with his name on it, with his own business cards sticking out of his pocket which showed his name.  Once he was caught (an employee walked into his office and called him by name), he too was mortified.  Once I heard about it, I laughed and laughed. Then, I realized I knew exactly what he felt like. I WAS him. When it was brought to my attention, I remember asking other people I knew.  They ALL knew I was lying.  I was mortified.  Yes, partly because I was caught.  Partly because I’m apparently a terrible liar, but mostly why lie? 

Why?  Self-preservation at it’s worst. Control…at it’s worst. Fear…at it’s worst.

I spoke with my therapist and she said “It seems you’re very afraid of change.”, in her very gentle, motherly way and I felt very pacified…for a while. However, while that is true (I tend to be mortified of change), the truth was I was being a bitch and a coward. So, I changed (it wasn’t easy).  I established a no-lie rule with myself. I know, how lame, but I needed rules. I read books on proper communication (to those who know me well, understand it’s a work in progress ;)  )  If I didn’t feel like doing something, I’d just say “No, thank you”.  If I felt someone’s feelings needed to be spared, I’d word things more gently, not lie. If I wanted someone to shut the fuck up, I’d tell them to do so (politely..sometimes, not so politely). 

It forced me to communicate my feelings, which I realized I was terrible at.  It forced me to be a better friend, something I’d always assumed I was amazing at.  To quote Tina Fey, I WAS one of those people who came across as a smarmy  “Let me be AMAAAZING at you” kind of person. Ugh. It FORCED me to communicate with those I love.  Honesty…it’s odd being honest.  I felt so selfish being honest about my feelings on anything.  Sometimes I have to reel it in because my honesty can be rather brutal at times (see above selfishness info…also a work in progress). 

All in all, I’m happier.  I’m a better friend.  Now, if I can only work on my lack of tact…

If you’re reading this and seriously re-thinking our friendship, then, well… “These are not the droids you are looking for…”

Here’s a picture of an adorable puppy to make me look more “human”.

Lessons I've learned in the last 2 months

As a background, something pretty awful (which I won't go into detail about here) happened about two months ago.  Instead of dealing with it, I pushed it down and went about my life.  Seemed like a good idea at the time, but like most "good ideas" regarding not dealing with things, it backfired on me.

 

I didn't realize that, as strong as I perceive myself to be, I can break.  I broke...shattered would probably be a more appropriate term.  My reaction was to blame others around me for any feelings I was going through and not look at the actual problem bothering me.  Terrible thing to do, I know...which leads me to lesson 1.  Don't make your problems someone else's.

 

I had always assumed that keeping a stiff upper lip was the way to go.  Granted, in certain situations, yeah, keep it together.  But, when others ask what's wrong and you deny the issue, it helps no one, least of all yourself....which leads me to lesson 2).  Be honest with yourself and others.

 

Lashing out became second nature.  I've always been a little bit of a cynic, but was never really an angry person.  Lashing out at others over small mistakes or misunderstandings in order to deny what was going on was not the way to handle things, but in my screwed up head, it provided a band-aid to not deal with the issue a bit longer....which leads me to lesson 3 and 4.  A band-aid cannot fix a broken arm and, lashing out at others is a fantastic way to alienate yourself from others.

 

Once I started realizing what was going on, I reached out to a couple people who I knew would be understanding and kind (even though I'd been a bit of a bitch).  They know who they are and I'll be forever grateful. Realizing that I  wasn't alone (which is so cliche to say, but very true) was a God-send...which leads me to lesson 5.  While opening up to others has always been difficult for me, learning to do so has both brought me closer to those I love and taught me the value of communication...healthy communication.

 

Granted, I'm certainly no expert at healthy communication and probably should have learned it years ago, but, perhaps it took something traumatic to jolt me into action.  I suppose, in that way, I can take something positive away from the experience....which leads me to the last lesson.  Healthy communication with others is the only way to be able to start healing.

 

Realizing all of this has made me realize that, in the last few months, though I was Kiersten from Hell, I've learned a lot about myself and my own personal boundaries.

 

Ok, that's all for this out-pour of mushiness.

Here's a picture :)

Awesome Social Ineptitude

As you've come to realize at this juncture in our relationship, I'm completely socially inept.  It's fine.  I get it.  I've come to terms with it.  It's an enigma.  My unicorn.  With that said, it's safe to assume I've figuratively (and literally, actually) fallen on my face LOADS of times in social situations.  The following are 10 of my favorite lessons:

 

1) Do not congratulate someone on their birthday and also tell them which Star Trek character shares their day.  Yes, I did this...Friday.  In my defense, it was at a friend's birthday party and it was Star Trek's 46th birthday.  I really want to tell you that this was the only time I've done that, but...

 

2)  Do not give someone a compliment and then get nervous and follow it up with an insult to back-peddle.  Yes, I've done this as well.  In fact, my ex-boyfriend very lovingly referred to me as the "Ray Romano of girls".  I say something nice, then completely flub it once I realize I've emoted beyond my comfort level.

 

3) Do not laugh at inappropriate things...like, let's say, a death in the family.  In my defense, the person died hilariously (accidently was harpooned), but still, do not laugh nonetheless.  It tends to get awkward.

 

3) Do not laugh when nervous.  I tend to do this a lot.  When I feel someone is mad at me, this makes me nervous (depending on the person) and I tend to laugh.  It's not my fault my body thinks you being angry is hilarious.

 

4) DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to attempt and muddle through attempting to understand someone when you have no idea what they're talking about.  While pretending you get it can be fun, it can reaallllyyy bite you in the ass later.

 

5) Do NOT tune out because you're bored.  You really can't come back from that...well, I can't.  I'm a terrible liar and when asked replied that I was bored.

 

6) Do not lie...especially if you're bad at it.  I laugh when I lie and can't look someone in the eye.  See #5.  I tried to lie and say I wasn't bored (at first) by getting nervous, laughing and THEN saying I was bored.

 

8) Humor.  While having a great sense of humor (mine's awesome by the way), try to deter yourself from introducing someone to your less-than-acceptable sense of humor by telling a dead-baby joke. 

 

9) *sigh* Don't pretend you know ANYTHING about sports when you know nothing.  Referring to the Broncos as "the other horsie team".  I was really just so proud I knew there was a team that had a horse name...two, in fact.  Oh, also, don't refer to a touchdown as a home-run or goal.

 

10) Don't insult the person.  I tend to lovingly refer to people as "asshat", "dumbfuck", "moron" when I really I'm just using terms of endearment.  Apparently, this does not go over well with everyone.

Here's a picture.

Flirting is lame.

Flirting is lame.

 

Well, let me preface this by saying I'm lame at flirting.  Like...bad.  Don't get me wrong.  I get hit on, but reciprocating is hilarious.  Or, even better, my friends will tell me when I'm being hit on because I have no clue.  Someone checks me out, I think I have spinach in my teeth or I've spilled something.  The way I grew up makes me quite the lovable socially awkward person I am.

 

I've never been the girl who scored free drinks by flirting with the bartender.  Not for a lack of effort, but for a massive lack of talent. Watching women successfully flirt is incredible.  They sashay up, push up their boobs, bat their eyes, and Voila!  Here's what I do: Attempt to sashay up, fall because I'm concentrating too hard to walk correctly in heels, a boob pops out, I burp, a drink is spilled on me...any one of these things has occurred.  Perhaps that's my charm.  I'm the female version of Mr. Magoo.  Blind as a bat, but at least I laugh like hell at myself. :)  I can't say though I am really doing anything to meet people.  I'm sort of a hermit.  I don't mind bars, but think they're too loud.  I hate clubbing because I dance like I'm stuck in a 1985 time-loop.  I refuse to ever do internet dating because I'm not really that interested in dating.  I'm interested in meeting people and I hear plenty of horror stories regarding internet sites.  Last thing I need is to show up to a coffee house and meet the latest version of Ted Bundy or Aileen Wuornos. 

 

Granted, I could knock the socks off of anyone if flirting involved any of the following:

 

1) Star Trek

2) Family Guy

3) Books...anything really (except Twilight novels)

4) My vast knowledge of all things related to subpoenas

5) Make-up (this tends to limit my audience)

6) ASL

7) Religion (I think religion is fascinating)

8) Music

9) etc...

 

I could go on and on with the nerdy things I love and are near and dear to my heart.  But, my blog is getting long and my attention span short. 

 

Here's a picture. An actual product.

Public Service Announcement

The following things annoy the hell out of me...

1) Stupid questions.  Yes, there is such a thing.

2) People who assume that I'm invisible and can, therefore, cut me off.

3) People who talk to themselves or read what they're typing...out loud.

4) People who call themselves "Mommy" and "Daddy" when they are not, in fact, parents, but own a dog.

5) Nu-cu-lar.  No, it's not.

5) Su-po-sa-bly.  Again, no.

6) Reading over my shoulder.

7) Waiters that bring your dinner out at the same time as your salad.

8) People who do not know the difference between its/it’s and they’re /their/there.

9) Being the first person to the party.

10) Drivers who ride my ass to the point where I'm convinced they're trying to impregnate my poor car.

11) Couples who say "We're pregnant."  No, no you're not.  She is.

12) Skinny jeans on men....especially when they still sag.

13) Snapping your gum.

14) CAPS LOCK!

15) People who refer to themselves in the 3rd person.

16) People who MUST have the last word.  Though, I'll admit, I'm guilty of this at times.

17) People who stare.

18) People who use the phrase "110%" or more. 

19) People who talk throughout movies or ask idiotic questions like "What do you think he meant by that?"  Let's find out together, shall we?

20) "Ax'ing" questions. 

21) Bars that are far too loud.

22) People who whine.  This post isn't whiny. ;)

23) People who dress their animals. 

25) People who say something bordreline mean and follow it up with a smiley face.  That made up for it?

26) Terrible table manners.

27) Burping without saying "Pardon me" or "Excuse me".  Same goes for farting.

28) Eating with picky eaters.

29) Eating with vegans who insist on schooling me on the proper food to shove down my throat.

30) Girls who wear far too much make-up.

31) People who clip their nail in public.

32) Baby-attorneys with egos the size of Texas.

33) People who give their kids weird names.  Banjo? Apple?  Those are nouns.

34) The bottom sheet coming off the mattress.

35) Guys who wear socks during sex.  Knock it off.

36) People who leave voicemails that are longer than 30 seconds...which is the extent of my attention span.

37) People that MUST be the center of attention.

38) All music that uses an auto-tuner.

39) Vague social media statuses.  Don't ask.  I don't want to talk about it.  I just want the attention.

40) Constant pictures of your animals/kids/scriptures/quotes.

41) People that make up random facts in order to be right.

42) Little kids asking me to buy them alcohol.  Shoo!

43) People who do not wipe their kids snotty noses.

44) People who do not wipe their own noses.

45) People who pick their ears then stare at it like they've found Narnia.  Same goes for nose-picking.

46) When I make any of the above-mentioned mistakes

47) People who respond to text messages with one-word responses.  They want to get punched, right?

48) Nails down a chalkboard.

49) People who end all their sentences as though they're questions?

50) Poor customer service.
51) Forgetting what I was going to say...mid sentence.

You're all welcome :)  Here's a picture.

Naivety at it's finest...

I didn't know anything beyond the basics of sex until I was abouuuuut 19ish, give or take a year or so.  JW's, in general, are not allowed to take the usual Sex Ed classes they provide in middle school (you don't want your kids learning about condoms and birth control when they're supposed to wait until marriage anyway, so why bother), so, it left for some rather intersting conversations growing up.  I remember teaching my bestfriend at the time the "bird and the bees" via the huge medical encyclopedia I found in my parents bathroom (a lot of reading apparently went on in there). 

 

At any rate, I had no clue.  I remember in high school (the continuance one) being in a conversation where oral sex was discussed (not in detail...clearly).  Not to be outdone, I indicated that I was quite "well-versed" (seriously, I used "well-versed") in oral sex. I thought it meant you had talked about sex, so yeah, I was fluent!

 

At any rate, I received a few odd looks and couldn't figure out why.  I asked why I was looked at funny and was asked out I could know so much about oral sex considering I was so obviously naive to pretty much everything.  My answer was "Who hasn't?".  I answered that way because of the instant panic I was experiencing realizing that what I thought oral sex was maaayyyy not be what they're talking about.  Also, I really didn't want to seem uncool.  I failed.

 

A friend of mine stepped in a took me aside and asked what the definition of oral sex was.  I gave him what I thought was a "well-versed" answer and he nearly died laughing.  When it was explained (finally) to me, I was really grossed out.  I couldn't believe someone would ever put there mouth anywhere "near there".

 

There was another time where some douchebag in class asked if I had ever played with a clit.  I assumed it was an instrument and said "I've never taken music lessons".  That was fun.

 

At any rate, the urban dictionary and a few knowledgeable friends became an excellent source of information until, of course, I started figuring stuff out on my own.  Thankfully, I have since learned and have become "well-versed"...sort of.

Sex and JayDubs...

Now, let me preface this by saying that I like the way I was raised.  This is merely a humerous look from an insider turned outsider's standpoint on life as a JayDub:

 

I had my first kiss at 19 years old.  No, I'm not ugly.  I was sheltered.  I didn't know anyone my own age (with the exception of the creepy kid down the street).  Now, when you think sheltered, multiply that number by 10 and you'll begin to get a glimpse of sheltered life.  I was homeschooled from 8th grade on.  Not a religious choice, I just never got along with kids my own age.  That changed when I started independent study and the only school that provided that program was a contiuance school.  I got along with everyone there!  I found that I tend to fit in with the oddballs...the rejected ones...the ones looking for a second chance.

 

At any rate, let's get back to being sheltered.  I wasn't to have friends who weren't JW's.  While I was very social...it was JW social.  No kissing.  No holding hands (unless you're engaged to be married...yeah).  Certainly no sexual contact of any type.  I had the same group of friends from the time I was 13 until I was 23.  It never bothered me much because I did not know anything different.  Like holidays or birthdays.  Missing those was never a problem.  If you don't celebrate them to begin with, how do you know what you're missing?  It really never bothered me missing holidays/birthdays.  I remember, though, "rebelling" and on my friends birthdays telling them "Happy Birthday" because I was oh so badass that way.

 

I remember my first "real" job (not babysitting) at 17 years old.  I worked at Blockbuster.  There were boys there!  Boys my age!  Boys who were not JW's!  It was crazy.  They were like crack to me.  I think they thought I was more of an enigma.  I wore no make-up...dressed in baggie clothes because my step-dad didn't like me showing my figure I and trusted people completely at face value.  You see, as a JW, you make friends immediately.  No work to it.  I could walk up to any JW anywhere and anytime, tell them what congregation I'm in and I'd be welcome with open arms into their homes.  It was instant family.  The only downside to that was how rediculously naive I was.  Because of all the instant trust I grew up with, I instantly trusted everyone...EVERYONE.

 

This was, perhaps, no good.  My job at Blockbuster lasted 3 months.  3 months of AWESOME!  3 months of "rebellion" (I dated a guy there...sorta...nothing happened because I was too scared).

My Mom made me quit because "bad association spoils useful habits"...a wellknown scripture with witnesses.  I cried...a lot.  But, they were "worldly" boys and I was not to be friends with them because I would most likely end up pregnant at the drop of someone's pants.  By the way, wordly people are what witnesses called people who were not witnesses.

 

I should probably also tell you that not all JW's were like me.  A lot of young people rebelled like crazy...dated guys...were probably having sex.  I was a really really really good girl.  I was too afraid God would hate me to ever cross him by sinning.  Sinning = telling the elders = public or private reproof = disfellowshipping (all dependant on the sin and how repentant they are.)

 

That reasoning changed, however, when I actually started to date...within the organization, of course.  I was convinced my first boyfriend and I were going to get married.  Not because I wanted to get married (I've never wanted to get married...at least up to date), but because I wanted to get laid!  We got into plently of trouble together...trouble that wouldn't cause a worldly person to bat an eye, but would ultimately make me hate myself and question everything I said and did.  What did I do?  Nothing really.  Mess around with my boyfriend (over the pants, of course), but because my conscience was on overload I immediately confessed to my grevious sins. I learned dry-humping is from the devil.  Touching makes you "unclean" and God forbid you masturbate.  My argument that you couldn't possibly have so many teenage boys in the congregation and assume that NONE of them masturbated fell on deaf ears...or really pissed off ears.  Anyway, we got in trouble on more than one occasion.  Praying my sins away didn't help.  I had to confess each time.  Sadly, we ended pretty badly.  Fast fwd a few months after our break-up and I found a new boyfriend.  An older one!  I figured this would be a smarter choice.  Older means wiser, right?  Wrong.  I confessed left and right with him.  It probably didn't help that he was a complete nutcase, which probably didn't help with my overall psyche.  At any rate, we lasted only a few months. 

 

I had worked at the same place for about 5 years and then the entire company got laid off.  I was out of work for a bit and then found another office, which ultimately led me to another guy...a worldly one.  He was very smart.  Quite a bit older than I and completely facinating to me.  He was brilliant.  This one managed to finally talk my pants off (literally) and, of course, I felt the need to confess my sins.

 

I still remember that meeting with the elders.  You meet with the elders when you commit a sin.  It's a group of 2-3 older men with whom you share your sins.  To say they rather displeased with me would be an understatement.  However, there was something different with me this time.  I wasn't sorry.  I felt nothing, actually.  I remember telling them.  " I know you're looking for repentance and I understand that.  I want to tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not.  You should probably kick me out because I'm going to continue having sex.  I really really like it."  And, they did just that. 

 

Kicking someone out doesn't mean you get a free pass to do as you please.  It means you're kicked out.  Everyone you know no longer may speak to you.  That's been the most difficult.  Only being around a certain group of people my entire life that no longer speak to me...unless of course I repent and do the work associated with returning.  It's very heartbreaking actually, but at the time, I felt I had no right to go door-to-door preaching and telling people how to live their lives when the teaching I had been raised with were no longer in my heart.  I respected them, but also realized I needed to do things on my own...make my own decisions.  It's a decision I've gone back and forth on over the years, but one thing has always remained the same.  The friends I've made since I left are friends that have never judged me and ultimately taught me to be less hard on myself. 

All in all, I'm a much happier girl now.