Awesome Social Ineptitude

As you've come to realize at this juncture in our relationship, I'm completely socially inept.  It's fine.  I get it.  I've come to terms with it.  It's an enigma.  My unicorn.  With that said, it's safe to assume I've figuratively (and literally, actually) fallen on my face LOADS of times in social situations.  The following are 10 of my favorite lessons:

 

1) Do not congratulate someone on their birthday and also tell them which Star Trek character shares their day.  Yes, I did this...Friday.  In my defense, it was at a friend's birthday party and it was Star Trek's 46th birthday.  I really want to tell you that this was the only time I've done that, but...

 

2)  Do not give someone a compliment and then get nervous and follow it up with an insult to back-peddle.  Yes, I've done this as well.  In fact, my ex-boyfriend very lovingly referred to me as the "Ray Romano of girls".  I say something nice, then completely flub it once I realize I've emoted beyond my comfort level.

 

3) Do not laugh at inappropriate things...like, let's say, a death in the family.  In my defense, the person died hilariously (accidently was harpooned), but still, do not laugh nonetheless.  It tends to get awkward.

 

3) Do not laugh when nervous.  I tend to do this a lot.  When I feel someone is mad at me, this makes me nervous (depending on the person) and I tend to laugh.  It's not my fault my body thinks you being angry is hilarious.

 

4) DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to attempt and muddle through attempting to understand someone when you have no idea what they're talking about.  While pretending you get it can be fun, it can reaallllyyy bite you in the ass later.

 

5) Do NOT tune out because you're bored.  You really can't come back from that...well, I can't.  I'm a terrible liar and when asked replied that I was bored.

 

6) Do not lie...especially if you're bad at it.  I laugh when I lie and can't look someone in the eye.  See #5.  I tried to lie and say I wasn't bored (at first) by getting nervous, laughing and THEN saying I was bored.

 

8) Humor.  While having a great sense of humor (mine's awesome by the way), try to deter yourself from introducing someone to your less-than-acceptable sense of humor by telling a dead-baby joke. 

 

9) *sigh* Don't pretend you know ANYTHING about sports when you know nothing.  Referring to the Broncos as "the other horsie team".  I was really just so proud I knew there was a team that had a horse name...two, in fact.  Oh, also, don't refer to a touchdown as a home-run or goal.

 

10) Don't insult the person.  I tend to lovingly refer to people as "asshat", "dumbfuck", "moron" when I really I'm just using terms of endearment.  Apparently, this does not go over well with everyone.

Here's a picture.