Now, let me preface this by saying that I like the way I was raised. This is merely a humerous look from an insider turned outsider's standpoint on life as a JayDub:
I had my first kiss at 19 years old. No, I'm not ugly. I was sheltered. I didn't know anyone my own age (with the exception of the creepy kid down the street). Now, when you think sheltered, multiply that number by 10 and you'll begin to get a glimpse of sheltered life. I was homeschooled from 8th grade on. Not a religious choice, I just never got along with kids my own age. That changed when I started independent study and the only school that provided that program was a contiuance school. I got along with everyone there! I found that I tend to fit in with the oddballs...the rejected ones...the ones looking for a second chance.
At any rate, let's get back to being sheltered. I wasn't to have friends who weren't JW's. While I was very social...it was JW social. No kissing. No holding hands (unless you're engaged to be married...yeah). Certainly no sexual contact of any type. I had the same group of friends from the time I was 13 until I was 23. It never bothered me much because I did not know anything different. Like holidays or birthdays. Missing those was never a problem. If you don't celebrate them to begin with, how do you know what you're missing? It really never bothered me missing holidays/birthdays. I remember, though, "rebelling" and on my friends birthdays telling them "Happy Birthday" because I was oh so badass that way.
I remember my first "real" job (not babysitting) at 17 years old. I worked at Blockbuster. There were boys there! Boys my age! Boys who were not JW's! It was crazy. They were like crack to me. I think they thought I was more of an enigma. I wore no make-up...dressed in baggie clothes because my step-dad didn't like me showing my figure I and trusted people completely at face value. You see, as a JW, you make friends immediately. No work to it. I could walk up to any JW anywhere and anytime, tell them what congregation I'm in and I'd be welcome with open arms into their homes. It was instant family. The only downside to that was how rediculously naive I was. Because of all the instant trust I grew up with, I instantly trusted everyone...EVERYONE.
This was, perhaps, no good. My job at Blockbuster lasted 3 months. 3 months of AWESOME! 3 months of "rebellion" (I dated a guy there...sorta...nothing happened because I was too scared).
My Mom made me quit because "bad association spoils useful habits"...a wellknown scripture with witnesses. I cried...a lot. But, they were "worldly" boys and I was not to be friends with them because I would most likely end up pregnant at the drop of someone's pants. By the way, wordly people are what witnesses called people who were not witnesses.
I should probably also tell you that not all JW's were like me. A lot of young people rebelled like crazy...dated guys...were probably having sex. I was a really really really good girl. I was too afraid God would hate me to ever cross him by sinning. Sinning = telling the elders = public or private reproof = disfellowshipping (all dependant on the sin and how repentant they are.)
That reasoning changed, however, when I actually started to date...within the organization, of course. I was convinced my first boyfriend and I were going to get married. Not because I wanted to get married (I've never wanted to get married...at least up to date), but because I wanted to get laid! We got into plently of trouble together...trouble that wouldn't cause a worldly person to bat an eye, but would ultimately make me hate myself and question everything I said and did. What did I do? Nothing really. Mess around with my boyfriend (over the pants, of course), but because my conscience was on overload I immediately confessed to my grevious sins. I learned dry-humping is from the devil. Touching makes you "unclean" and God forbid you masturbate. My argument that you couldn't possibly have so many teenage boys in the congregation and assume that NONE of them masturbated fell on deaf ears...or really pissed off ears. Anyway, we got in trouble on more than one occasion. Praying my sins away didn't help. I had to confess each time. Sadly, we ended pretty badly. Fast fwd a few months after our break-up and I found a new boyfriend. An older one! I figured this would be a smarter choice. Older means wiser, right? Wrong. I confessed left and right with him. It probably didn't help that he was a complete nutcase, which probably didn't help with my overall psyche. At any rate, we lasted only a few months.
I had worked at the same place for about 5 years and then the entire company got laid off. I was out of work for a bit and then found another office, which ultimately led me to another guy...a worldly one. He was very smart. Quite a bit older than I and completely facinating to me. He was brilliant. This one managed to finally talk my pants off (literally) and, of course, I felt the need to confess my sins.
I still remember that meeting with the elders. You meet with the elders when you commit a sin. It's a group of 2-3 older men with whom you share your sins. To say they rather displeased with me would be an understatement. However, there was something different with me this time. I wasn't sorry. I felt nothing, actually. I remember telling them. " I know you're looking for repentance and I understand that. I want to tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not. You should probably kick me out because I'm going to continue having sex. I really really like it." And, they did just that.
Kicking someone out doesn't mean you get a free pass to do as you please. It means you're kicked out. Everyone you know no longer may speak to you. That's been the most difficult. Only being around a certain group of people my entire life that no longer speak to me...unless of course I repent and do the work associated with returning. It's very heartbreaking actually, but at the time, I felt I had no right to go door-to-door preaching and telling people how to live their lives when the teaching I had been raised with were no longer in my heart. I respected them, but also realized I needed to do things on my own...make my own decisions. It's a decision I've gone back and forth on over the years, but one thing has always remained the same. The friends I've made since I left are friends that have never judged me and ultimately taught me to be less hard on myself.
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