To The Nth Degree...

My truth...mostly because, well, it's an honest assessment. Additionally, I believe I said I'd be doing blogs weekly. However, since I have the attention span of a gnat, that doesn't seem to be the case. ;)

Blech...emotions. They can be a real cluster-fuck. I know. I'm an expert on the overproduction of emotions whilst trying to deal with that fun little thing called logic that is ever in the foreground. I feel to the nth degree.

To quote a famous actress, "I don't come with baggage. I come with trunks."

I have always been truly in awe of those people that seemingly always hold it together. My best friend is the most amazing example of diplomacy and keepin'-her-shit-together-ness I've ever encountered. I, on the other hand, like a oil to water, have the exact opposite reaction.

I bitch. I assume. I'm stubborn as hell. It takes me hours at times to come to realize that that logical voice in my head telling me to shut up the whole time was, in fact, correct...the whole time.

Does this mean I shouldn't share how I feel about certain things? No.

It means I'm a constant work in progress.  It means, I'm trying to change this part of myself that I dislike.

So far, this is what I've learned:

1) There are no absolutes.

2) Everyone's reality is different and just because I see the sky as blue, doesn't mean it's not some other color to someone else.

3) There's no need for insults. They solve nothing and cause pain, which isn't love.

4) There's no need to bring up the past.  That's just you getting to the point where you are in fact so wrong, that you have to actually throw the past in someone's face to "prove a point"...which typically doesn't prove your point.

5) Is what you're saying really necessary?

6) How would you respond if the show were on the other foot?

7) Is your perception true or is this an assumption?

8) Are you looking for there to be an issue, or is there one? That's one of my favorites, as well as my least favorite since it seems to be the most true.

9) Is the amount of emotion I'm giving this "issue" that necessary? In other words, does the punishment fit the crime?

These are the questions I've started asking myself. Do I always do well? 

Lol, nope. 

But, I'm slowly getting better and know I'll become a normal human one day. ;)

Here's a funny picture.

Lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…

A truth about me.

People lie.  They tell small lies.  They tell big lies.  They omit.  Package it any way you like, it’s still a lie.  Do I lie? Yes.  I do.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but yes I do, though I can say I don’t remember the last time I did. 

About two years or so ago, it was pretty ridiculous how much I lied.  Sometimes I’d lie because I think it’s just better to spare someone’s feelings…as though I’m helping them in some regard because, clearly, I can handle it, but they can’t (insert sarcasm). Other times I’d lie to just shut someone the fuck up. Even worse, I’d lie to get out of plans…because, well, the book/person I was talking to at that moment/food I was eating/glass of wine/piece of lint on the wall/etc was more interesting.  Mostly, I was just afraid of saying “No” to people.

With that said, it was brought to my attention about around that time by a wonderful friend who noticed I was “sick” or “tired” a lot.  She called me out on my bullshit and I was ashamed.  Very, very ashamed.  It seems, I’d gotten so used to wanting to get out of things to make it easier on me, I forgot I was actually LYING to those I love the most.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this…

Do I have some terrible truth to share?

Am I STILL lying?

No to both.  These days, I really cannot remember the last time I lied, which is pretty damn amazing.  With that said, after reading this I’m fairly certain you’ll have no reason to believe me, but, then again, why would I share this to begin with?

Writing this came to mind because we recently served legal documents on someone who refused to acknowledge his own existence even though he was sitting at a desk with his name on it, with his own business cards sticking out of his pocket which showed his name.  Once he was caught (an employee walked into his office and called him by name), he too was mortified.  Once I heard about it, I laughed and laughed. Then, I realized I knew exactly what he felt like. I WAS him. When it was brought to my attention, I remember asking other people I knew.  They ALL knew I was lying.  I was mortified.  Yes, partly because I was caught.  Partly because I’m apparently a terrible liar, but mostly why lie? 

Why?  Self-preservation at it’s worst. Control…at it’s worst. Fear…at it’s worst.

I spoke with my therapist and she said “It seems you’re very afraid of change.”, in her very gentle, motherly way and I felt very pacified…for a while. However, while that is true (I tend to be mortified of change), the truth was I was being a bitch and a coward. So, I changed (it wasn’t easy).  I established a no-lie rule with myself. I know, how lame, but I needed rules. I read books on proper communication (to those who know me well, understand it’s a work in progress ;)  )  If I didn’t feel like doing something, I’d just say “No, thank you”.  If I felt someone’s feelings needed to be spared, I’d word things more gently, not lie. If I wanted someone to shut the fuck up, I’d tell them to do so (politely..sometimes, not so politely). 

It forced me to communicate my feelings, which I realized I was terrible at.  It forced me to be a better friend, something I’d always assumed I was amazing at.  To quote Tina Fey, I WAS one of those people who came across as a smarmy  “Let me be AMAAAZING at you” kind of person. Ugh. It FORCED me to communicate with those I love.  Honesty…it’s odd being honest.  I felt so selfish being honest about my feelings on anything.  Sometimes I have to reel it in because my honesty can be rather brutal at times (see above selfishness info…also a work in progress). 

All in all, I’m happier.  I’m a better friend.  Now, if I can only work on my lack of tact…

If you’re reading this and seriously re-thinking our friendship, then, well… “These are not the droids you are looking for…”

Here’s a picture of an adorable puppy to make me look more “human”.

Lessons I've learned in the last 2 months

As a background, something pretty awful (which I won't go into detail about here) happened about two months ago.  Instead of dealing with it, I pushed it down and went about my life.  Seemed like a good idea at the time, but like most "good ideas" regarding not dealing with things, it backfired on me.

 

I didn't realize that, as strong as I perceive myself to be, I can break.  I broke...shattered would probably be a more appropriate term.  My reaction was to blame others around me for any feelings I was going through and not look at the actual problem bothering me.  Terrible thing to do, I know...which leads me to lesson 1.  Don't make your problems someone else's.

 

I had always assumed that keeping a stiff upper lip was the way to go.  Granted, in certain situations, yeah, keep it together.  But, when others ask what's wrong and you deny the issue, it helps no one, least of all yourself....which leads me to lesson 2).  Be honest with yourself and others.

 

Lashing out became second nature.  I've always been a little bit of a cynic, but was never really an angry person.  Lashing out at others over small mistakes or misunderstandings in order to deny what was going on was not the way to handle things, but in my screwed up head, it provided a band-aid to not deal with the issue a bit longer....which leads me to lesson 3 and 4.  A band-aid cannot fix a broken arm and, lashing out at others is a fantastic way to alienate yourself from others.

 

Once I started realizing what was going on, I reached out to a couple people who I knew would be understanding and kind (even though I'd been a bit of a bitch).  They know who they are and I'll be forever grateful. Realizing that I  wasn't alone (which is so cliche to say, but very true) was a God-send...which leads me to lesson 5.  While opening up to others has always been difficult for me, learning to do so has both brought me closer to those I love and taught me the value of communication...healthy communication.

 

Granted, I'm certainly no expert at healthy communication and probably should have learned it years ago, but, perhaps it took something traumatic to jolt me into action.  I suppose, in that way, I can take something positive away from the experience....which leads me to the last lesson.  Healthy communication with others is the only way to be able to start healing.

 

Realizing all of this has made me realize that, in the last few months, though I was Kiersten from Hell, I've learned a lot about myself and my own personal boundaries.

 

Ok, that's all for this out-pour of mushiness.

Here's a picture :)

Awesome Social Ineptitude

As you've come to realize at this juncture in our relationship, I'm completely socially inept.  It's fine.  I get it.  I've come to terms with it.  It's an enigma.  My unicorn.  With that said, it's safe to assume I've figuratively (and literally, actually) fallen on my face LOADS of times in social situations.  The following are 10 of my favorite lessons:

 

1) Do not congratulate someone on their birthday and also tell them which Star Trek character shares their day.  Yes, I did this...Friday.  In my defense, it was at a friend's birthday party and it was Star Trek's 46th birthday.  I really want to tell you that this was the only time I've done that, but...

 

2)  Do not give someone a compliment and then get nervous and follow it up with an insult to back-peddle.  Yes, I've done this as well.  In fact, my ex-boyfriend very lovingly referred to me as the "Ray Romano of girls".  I say something nice, then completely flub it once I realize I've emoted beyond my comfort level.

 

3) Do not laugh at inappropriate things...like, let's say, a death in the family.  In my defense, the person died hilariously (accidently was harpooned), but still, do not laugh nonetheless.  It tends to get awkward.

 

3) Do not laugh when nervous.  I tend to do this a lot.  When I feel someone is mad at me, this makes me nervous (depending on the person) and I tend to laugh.  It's not my fault my body thinks you being angry is hilarious.

 

4) DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to attempt and muddle through attempting to understand someone when you have no idea what they're talking about.  While pretending you get it can be fun, it can reaallllyyy bite you in the ass later.

 

5) Do NOT tune out because you're bored.  You really can't come back from that...well, I can't.  I'm a terrible liar and when asked replied that I was bored.

 

6) Do not lie...especially if you're bad at it.  I laugh when I lie and can't look someone in the eye.  See #5.  I tried to lie and say I wasn't bored (at first) by getting nervous, laughing and THEN saying I was bored.

 

8) Humor.  While having a great sense of humor (mine's awesome by the way), try to deter yourself from introducing someone to your less-than-acceptable sense of humor by telling a dead-baby joke. 

 

9) *sigh* Don't pretend you know ANYTHING about sports when you know nothing.  Referring to the Broncos as "the other horsie team".  I was really just so proud I knew there was a team that had a horse name...two, in fact.  Oh, also, don't refer to a touchdown as a home-run or goal.

 

10) Don't insult the person.  I tend to lovingly refer to people as "asshat", "dumbfuck", "moron" when I really I'm just using terms of endearment.  Apparently, this does not go over well with everyone.

Here's a picture.

Flirting is lame.

Flirting is lame.

 

Well, let me preface this by saying I'm lame at flirting.  Like...bad.  Don't get me wrong.  I get hit on, but reciprocating is hilarious.  Or, even better, my friends will tell me when I'm being hit on because I have no clue.  Someone checks me out, I think I have spinach in my teeth or I've spilled something.  The way I grew up makes me quite the lovable socially awkward person I am.

 

I've never been the girl who scored free drinks by flirting with the bartender.  Not for a lack of effort, but for a massive lack of talent. Watching women successfully flirt is incredible.  They sashay up, push up their boobs, bat their eyes, and Voila!  Here's what I do: Attempt to sashay up, fall because I'm concentrating too hard to walk correctly in heels, a boob pops out, I burp, a drink is spilled on me...any one of these things has occurred.  Perhaps that's my charm.  I'm the female version of Mr. Magoo.  Blind as a bat, but at least I laugh like hell at myself. :)  I can't say though I am really doing anything to meet people.  I'm sort of a hermit.  I don't mind bars, but think they're too loud.  I hate clubbing because I dance like I'm stuck in a 1985 time-loop.  I refuse to ever do internet dating because I'm not really that interested in dating.  I'm interested in meeting people and I hear plenty of horror stories regarding internet sites.  Last thing I need is to show up to a coffee house and meet the latest version of Ted Bundy or Aileen Wuornos. 

 

Granted, I could knock the socks off of anyone if flirting involved any of the following:

 

1) Star Trek

2) Family Guy

3) Books...anything really (except Twilight novels)

4) My vast knowledge of all things related to subpoenas

5) Make-up (this tends to limit my audience)

6) ASL

7) Religion (I think religion is fascinating)

8) Music

9) etc...

 

I could go on and on with the nerdy things I love and are near and dear to my heart.  But, my blog is getting long and my attention span short. 

 

Here's a picture. An actual product.

Public Service Announcement

The following things annoy the hell out of me...

1) Stupid questions.  Yes, there is such a thing.

2) People who assume that I'm invisible and can, therefore, cut me off.

3) People who talk to themselves or read what they're typing...out loud.

4) People who call themselves "Mommy" and "Daddy" when they are not, in fact, parents, but own a dog.

5) Nu-cu-lar.  No, it's not.

5) Su-po-sa-bly.  Again, no.

6) Reading over my shoulder.

7) Waiters that bring your dinner out at the same time as your salad.

8) People who do not know the difference between its/it’s and they’re /their/there.

9) Being the first person to the party.

10) Drivers who ride my ass to the point where I'm convinced they're trying to impregnate my poor car.

11) Couples who say "We're pregnant."  No, no you're not.  She is.

12) Skinny jeans on men....especially when they still sag.

13) Snapping your gum.

14) CAPS LOCK!

15) People who refer to themselves in the 3rd person.

16) People who MUST have the last word.  Though, I'll admit, I'm guilty of this at times.

17) People who stare.

18) People who use the phrase "110%" or more. 

19) People who talk throughout movies or ask idiotic questions like "What do you think he meant by that?"  Let's find out together, shall we?

20) "Ax'ing" questions. 

21) Bars that are far too loud.

22) People who whine.  This post isn't whiny. ;)

23) People who dress their animals. 

25) People who say something bordreline mean and follow it up with a smiley face.  That made up for it?

26) Terrible table manners.

27) Burping without saying "Pardon me" or "Excuse me".  Same goes for farting.

28) Eating with picky eaters.

29) Eating with vegans who insist on schooling me on the proper food to shove down my throat.

30) Girls who wear far too much make-up.

31) People who clip their nail in public.

32) Baby-attorneys with egos the size of Texas.

33) People who give their kids weird names.  Banjo? Apple?  Those are nouns.

34) The bottom sheet coming off the mattress.

35) Guys who wear socks during sex.  Knock it off.

36) People who leave voicemails that are longer than 30 seconds...which is the extent of my attention span.

37) People that MUST be the center of attention.

38) All music that uses an auto-tuner.

39) Vague social media statuses.  Don't ask.  I don't want to talk about it.  I just want the attention.

40) Constant pictures of your animals/kids/scriptures/quotes.

41) People that make up random facts in order to be right.

42) Little kids asking me to buy them alcohol.  Shoo!

43) People who do not wipe their kids snotty noses.

44) People who do not wipe their own noses.

45) People who pick their ears then stare at it like they've found Narnia.  Same goes for nose-picking.

46) When I make any of the above-mentioned mistakes

47) People who respond to text messages with one-word responses.  They want to get punched, right?

48) Nails down a chalkboard.

49) People who end all their sentences as though they're questions?

50) Poor customer service.
51) Forgetting what I was going to say...mid sentence.

You're all welcome :)  Here's a picture.

Naivety at it's finest...

I didn't know anything beyond the basics of sex until I was abouuuuut 19ish, give or take a year or so.  JW's, in general, are not allowed to take the usual Sex Ed classes they provide in middle school (you don't want your kids learning about condoms and birth control when they're supposed to wait until marriage anyway, so why bother), so, it left for some rather intersting conversations growing up.  I remember teaching my bestfriend at the time the "bird and the bees" via the huge medical encyclopedia I found in my parents bathroom (a lot of reading apparently went on in there). 

 

At any rate, I had no clue.  I remember in high school (the continuance one) being in a conversation where oral sex was discussed (not in detail...clearly).  Not to be outdone, I indicated that I was quite "well-versed" (seriously, I used "well-versed") in oral sex. I thought it meant you had talked about sex, so yeah, I was fluent!

 

At any rate, I received a few odd looks and couldn't figure out why.  I asked why I was looked at funny and was asked out I could know so much about oral sex considering I was so obviously naive to pretty much everything.  My answer was "Who hasn't?".  I answered that way because of the instant panic I was experiencing realizing that what I thought oral sex was maaayyyy not be what they're talking about.  Also, I really didn't want to seem uncool.  I failed.

 

A friend of mine stepped in a took me aside and asked what the definition of oral sex was.  I gave him what I thought was a "well-versed" answer and he nearly died laughing.  When it was explained (finally) to me, I was really grossed out.  I couldn't believe someone would ever put there mouth anywhere "near there".

 

There was another time where some douchebag in class asked if I had ever played with a clit.  I assumed it was an instrument and said "I've never taken music lessons".  That was fun.

 

At any rate, the urban dictionary and a few knowledgeable friends became an excellent source of information until, of course, I started figuring stuff out on my own.  Thankfully, I have since learned and have become "well-versed"...sort of.