I've been asked about this a few times lately, so I figured I'd write about it and post to answer in one fell swoop, as opposed to individual answers. Easier for me and equally effective. Typically when I write, I tend to add humor, but this is more personal...
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (herein "OCD").
Psychology Today defines OCD as "... an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. A person's level of OCD can be anywhere from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, it can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school or even to lead a comfortable existence in the home."
Another EXCELLENT way OCD (for me FAR better) is described is in the following article "9 Lies My OCD Has Told Me", by Lily Bailey (a fellow OCD sufferer and excellent writer).
Here is the link to her article:
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (herein "OCD").
Psychology Today defines OCD as "... an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. A person's level of OCD can be anywhere from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, it can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school or even to lead a comfortable existence in the home."
Another EXCELLENT way OCD (for me FAR better) is described is in the following article "9 Lies My OCD Has Told Me", by Lily Bailey (a fellow OCD sufferer and excellent writer).
Here is the link to her article:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/lilybaileywriter/fiery-pits-of-hell?utm_term=.xf1NQ7ReYe#.xf1NQ7ReYe
Seriously, you need to read that article.
I recall my first obsessive thought. I probably had more prior, but this is what I remember I don't recall much from my childhood (for other reasons), so I can only tell you what I recall. It was right after my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I was convinced that both she and my brothers and anyone I happened to be close with at that time, would die. Thus began my routine. First, every night, after my mom fell asleep, I would check her pulse. Then I would listen for her breathing. When I was satisfied that she was alive, I would go back to my room. I realize how creepy that sounds, but to a 12 yr old who thinks her mom is going to die and cannot sleep without checking that she's alive, it means everything, Next, I would pray. I was raised in a very strict religion and was convinced that with enough prayer, God would hear me and stop problems A-Z and we could be stable, even if it was for a small time.
I said the same prayer...every...single...night. I used the exact same words. The person(s) I included were always in the same order "my Mom, Tom (step-father), Anders, Nick, Tessa, etc". Lastly, me. Always lastly me since I was further convinced that by praying for myself, I was being incredibly selfish...and would die. I should add that my OCD wasn't exactly helped by the fact that my childhood was a tad rocky to put it mildly. Someone in my immediate family (typically one or both of my parents) was typically playing who can be hospitalized more, who can drive more "creatively" in a Xanax or alcohol-induced haze, and the list could really go on and on... In other words, pills, illness, and alcohol were rampant, love and stability were not. At least not in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, my prayers did not seem to be answered*. My step-father passed away after a long battle with cancer. My mom is (thankfully) very much alive though. My real dad committed suicide and I felt terrible for not including him in my prayers, though they didn't seem to work and they generally didn't seem to cure disease, both physical and psychological., though that rationalization didn't help much.
I snapped in a way that left many baffled. All I'd known was my religion up to that point. I was 22 years old. I didn't know anyone outside of my religion. I didn't care. I left. It was mid-2005. I left very quickly, disgusted by a God that said he was full of love but turned his back on me when I needed him most. I assumed this would cure my though-process.
For a time, my OCD was...ok..ish. I had obsessive thoughts, but for the most part I handled them on my own. I thought leaving my religion had cured me. That was not the case. I didn't realize how easily I could be triggered, which led to a complete nervous breakdown late 2006, at which time I sought treatment. I hadn't sought treatment up to that point (on a consistent basis) because I had obsessively come to the conclusion that doing so would result in my being locked up because my thoughts were too heinous. I was disgusting. I was bad. I was certain of this. Again, my mind was lying to me and I bought it hook, line and sinker.
At my lowest point, I couldn't work. I sought treatment, but frequently quit. It wasn't my therapist's fault. She was amazing. Unfortunately, we were also not a great fit. This happens. I sunk further. I felt claustrophobic everywhere, but in my own bed. Even there life was too unbearable. My little brother lived with me at the time and pretending to be ok while despising myself to my core was...difficult. But, having him there and knowing that I didn't want to give him the same upbringing I'd had was what forced me to seek treatment.
My life changed completely when I started treatment with my current therapist and, hand in hand with my psychiatrist, I started my way out from the bottom of the well I thought I would die in. Medication helped my depression and therapy (particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)) helped my OCD a great deal.
I'm not cured. I'm a work in progress. I have obsessive thoughts. I have compulsive behaviours. However, I have resources. I am not my OCD. My thoughts don't define me. My actions do. My actions were to seek help. To learn to love me. My OCD triggers still, yes, but I have learned coping mechanisms to deal with and ride through the storm.
Here are some fun facts about OCD:
1) "All neat-freaks have OCD." I'll have you know that, if this is the case, I clearly missed the cleanliness bus. Yes, we live in a clean home, but there is absolutely ZERO compulsion to constantly clean it. In fact, some with OCD, are simply O without the C in OCD. I, being the overachiever that I am, am both, though my compulsions manifest themselves differently.
2) "It's easy to stop obsessing. Simply stop thinking about it." Of course, how simple. I hadn't thought about that. While we're solving my deepest issues, please feel free to also solve crime, world hunger, and declare world peace. You think I'm joking, but since we are talking about tackling astronomical issues, let's tackle them all, shall we?
3) "Children don't get OCD." Also untrue. Children have been diagnosed as young as 4 years old, but typically are diagnosed between the ages of 6-25 years.
4) "Just do the compulsion and get on with your life." No, that also doesn't help. Considering that I tried that for YEARS, I can assert to the fact that the compulsion definetely does not help the obsession. It does, however, make it worse. What DOES help, is therapy and in some instances such as my own, medication.
5) "OCD is a woman's disease." Well, I am a woman and I do have OCD, so it is THIS woman's disease, but OCD doesn't give a rat's ass what your gender, sexuality, religion, or race is...which is kinda funny considering the disease may be considered more "accepting" of everyone than we are as a society.
6) "I think I have OCD because I clean my house obsessively." One, let's define "obsessive". Do you clean it obsessively because you believe that if you do not that something terrible will happen? No? You are probably fine and simply like your home to be clean. Is your cleaning inhibiting you from carrying out your day-to-day life? Is it hurting yourself or others? No? You're fine.
7) "You have OCD? You must be crazy." This one's fun. Granted, I joke a great deal about my mental illness (I also have clinical depression and GAD), but that's a coping mechanism. What is crazy? What is normal? I've never really been able to to know. I can tell you this. We're all a bit nuts. We all have our moments. However, if you're feelings or thoughts are inhibiting you from living your life, seek treatment. Do I joke about "being a nutjob"? Yup. I can do that. I earned it.
8) "Have you tried (insert crystals, essential oils, running, herbs) to cure OCD? It 100% cured my brother/sister/cousin twice-removed." I'm sure it did. Therapy and meds helped me. Do what works for you.
9) "Here's a meme about (insert photo of something slightly awry) to trigger your OCD." Ok then. Thank you. That's very helpful. You didn't read anything I said above.
Well, this is all I have for now. If I feel like adding more, I will. I am hoping that this sheds some unfiltered light on a manipulative asshole of an illness. If you know someone with OCD, understand that they are fucking warrior ninjas every day of their lives in trying to beat this dickhole illness.
*I should add that I'm not saying that prayer does not work. It was a compulsive behavior for me, evidenced by the fact that I repeated the exact same prayer word for word that I had made up every night at the same time for years. It had little to do with my belief in God and more to do with making sure people I loved didn't die.
Here's a funny, rather dark comic about OCD:
Seriously, you need to read that article.
I recall my first obsessive thought. I probably had more prior, but this is what I remember I don't recall much from my childhood (for other reasons), so I can only tell you what I recall. It was right after my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I was convinced that both she and my brothers and anyone I happened to be close with at that time, would die. Thus began my routine. First, every night, after my mom fell asleep, I would check her pulse. Then I would listen for her breathing. When I was satisfied that she was alive, I would go back to my room. I realize how creepy that sounds, but to a 12 yr old who thinks her mom is going to die and cannot sleep without checking that she's alive, it means everything, Next, I would pray. I was raised in a very strict religion and was convinced that with enough prayer, God would hear me and stop problems A-Z and we could be stable, even if it was for a small time.
I said the same prayer...every...single...night. I used the exact same words. The person(s) I included were always in the same order "my Mom, Tom (step-father), Anders, Nick, Tessa, etc". Lastly, me. Always lastly me since I was further convinced that by praying for myself, I was being incredibly selfish...and would die. I should add that my OCD wasn't exactly helped by the fact that my childhood was a tad rocky to put it mildly. Someone in my immediate family (typically one or both of my parents) was typically playing who can be hospitalized more, who can drive more "creatively" in a Xanax or alcohol-induced haze, and the list could really go on and on... In other words, pills, illness, and alcohol were rampant, love and stability were not. At least not in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, my prayers did not seem to be answered*. My step-father passed away after a long battle with cancer. My mom is (thankfully) very much alive though. My real dad committed suicide and I felt terrible for not including him in my prayers, though they didn't seem to work and they generally didn't seem to cure disease, both physical and psychological., though that rationalization didn't help much.
I snapped in a way that left many baffled. All I'd known was my religion up to that point. I was 22 years old. I didn't know anyone outside of my religion. I didn't care. I left. It was mid-2005. I left very quickly, disgusted by a God that said he was full of love but turned his back on me when I needed him most. I assumed this would cure my though-process.
For a time, my OCD was...ok..ish. I had obsessive thoughts, but for the most part I handled them on my own. I thought leaving my religion had cured me. That was not the case. I didn't realize how easily I could be triggered, which led to a complete nervous breakdown late 2006, at which time I sought treatment. I hadn't sought treatment up to that point (on a consistent basis) because I had obsessively come to the conclusion that doing so would result in my being locked up because my thoughts were too heinous. I was disgusting. I was bad. I was certain of this. Again, my mind was lying to me and I bought it hook, line and sinker.
At my lowest point, I couldn't work. I sought treatment, but frequently quit. It wasn't my therapist's fault. She was amazing. Unfortunately, we were also not a great fit. This happens. I sunk further. I felt claustrophobic everywhere, but in my own bed. Even there life was too unbearable. My little brother lived with me at the time and pretending to be ok while despising myself to my core was...difficult. But, having him there and knowing that I didn't want to give him the same upbringing I'd had was what forced me to seek treatment.
My life changed completely when I started treatment with my current therapist and, hand in hand with my psychiatrist, I started my way out from the bottom of the well I thought I would die in. Medication helped my depression and therapy (particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)) helped my OCD a great deal.
I'm not cured. I'm a work in progress. I have obsessive thoughts. I have compulsive behaviours. However, I have resources. I am not my OCD. My thoughts don't define me. My actions do. My actions were to seek help. To learn to love me. My OCD triggers still, yes, but I have learned coping mechanisms to deal with and ride through the storm.
Here are some fun facts about OCD:
1) "All neat-freaks have OCD." I'll have you know that, if this is the case, I clearly missed the cleanliness bus. Yes, we live in a clean home, but there is absolutely ZERO compulsion to constantly clean it. In fact, some with OCD, are simply O without the C in OCD. I, being the overachiever that I am, am both, though my compulsions manifest themselves differently.
2) "It's easy to stop obsessing. Simply stop thinking about it." Of course, how simple. I hadn't thought about that. While we're solving my deepest issues, please feel free to also solve crime, world hunger, and declare world peace. You think I'm joking, but since we are talking about tackling astronomical issues, let's tackle them all, shall we?
3) "Children don't get OCD." Also untrue. Children have been diagnosed as young as 4 years old, but typically are diagnosed between the ages of 6-25 years.
4) "Just do the compulsion and get on with your life." No, that also doesn't help. Considering that I tried that for YEARS, I can assert to the fact that the compulsion definetely does not help the obsession. It does, however, make it worse. What DOES help, is therapy and in some instances such as my own, medication.
5) "OCD is a woman's disease." Well, I am a woman and I do have OCD, so it is THIS woman's disease, but OCD doesn't give a rat's ass what your gender, sexuality, religion, or race is...which is kinda funny considering the disease may be considered more "accepting" of everyone than we are as a society.
6) "I think I have OCD because I clean my house obsessively." One, let's define "obsessive". Do you clean it obsessively because you believe that if you do not that something terrible will happen? No? You are probably fine and simply like your home to be clean. Is your cleaning inhibiting you from carrying out your day-to-day life? Is it hurting yourself or others? No? You're fine.
7) "You have OCD? You must be crazy." This one's fun. Granted, I joke a great deal about my mental illness (I also have clinical depression and GAD), but that's a coping mechanism. What is crazy? What is normal? I've never really been able to to know. I can tell you this. We're all a bit nuts. We all have our moments. However, if you're feelings or thoughts are inhibiting you from living your life, seek treatment. Do I joke about "being a nutjob"? Yup. I can do that. I earned it.
8) "Have you tried (insert crystals, essential oils, running, herbs) to cure OCD? It 100% cured my brother/sister/cousin twice-removed." I'm sure it did. Therapy and meds helped me. Do what works for you.
9) "Here's a meme about (insert photo of something slightly awry) to trigger your OCD." Ok then. Thank you. That's very helpful. You didn't read anything I said above.
Well, this is all I have for now. If I feel like adding more, I will. I am hoping that this sheds some unfiltered light on a manipulative asshole of an illness. If you know someone with OCD, understand that they are fucking warrior ninjas every day of their lives in trying to beat this dickhole illness.
*I should add that I'm not saying that prayer does not work. It was a compulsive behavior for me, evidenced by the fact that I repeated the exact same prayer word for word that I had made up every night at the same time for years. It had little to do with my belief in God and more to do with making sure people I loved didn't die.
Here's a funny, rather dark comic about OCD:
