Flirting is lame.

Flirting is lame.

 

Well, let me preface this by saying I'm lame at flirting.  Like...bad.  Don't get me wrong.  I get hit on, but reciprocating is hilarious.  Or, even better, my friends will tell me when I'm being hit on because I have no clue.  Someone checks me out, I think I have spinach in my teeth or I've spilled something.  The way I grew up makes me quite the lovable socially awkward person I am.

 

I've never been the girl who scored free drinks by flirting with the bartender.  Not for a lack of effort, but for a massive lack of talent. Watching women successfully flirt is incredible.  They sashay up, push up their boobs, bat their eyes, and Voila!  Here's what I do: Attempt to sashay up, fall because I'm concentrating too hard to walk correctly in heels, a boob pops out, I burp, a drink is spilled on me...any one of these things has occurred.  Perhaps that's my charm.  I'm the female version of Mr. Magoo.  Blind as a bat, but at least I laugh like hell at myself. :)  I can't say though I am really doing anything to meet people.  I'm sort of a hermit.  I don't mind bars, but think they're too loud.  I hate clubbing because I dance like I'm stuck in a 1985 time-loop.  I refuse to ever do internet dating because I'm not really that interested in dating.  I'm interested in meeting people and I hear plenty of horror stories regarding internet sites.  Last thing I need is to show up to a coffee house and meet the latest version of Ted Bundy or Aileen Wuornos. 

 

Granted, I could knock the socks off of anyone if flirting involved any of the following:

 

1) Star Trek

2) Family Guy

3) Books...anything really (except Twilight novels)

4) My vast knowledge of all things related to subpoenas

5) Make-up (this tends to limit my audience)

6) ASL

7) Religion (I think religion is fascinating)

8) Music

9) etc...

 

I could go on and on with the nerdy things I love and are near and dear to my heart.  But, my blog is getting long and my attention span short. 

 

Here's a picture. An actual product.

Public Service Announcement

The following things annoy the hell out of me...

1) Stupid questions.  Yes, there is such a thing.

2) People who assume that I'm invisible and can, therefore, cut me off.

3) People who talk to themselves or read what they're typing...out loud.

4) People who call themselves "Mommy" and "Daddy" when they are not, in fact, parents, but own a dog.

5) Nu-cu-lar.  No, it's not.

5) Su-po-sa-bly.  Again, no.

6) Reading over my shoulder.

7) Waiters that bring your dinner out at the same time as your salad.

8) People who do not know the difference between its/it’s and they’re /their/there.

9) Being the first person to the party.

10) Drivers who ride my ass to the point where I'm convinced they're trying to impregnate my poor car.

11) Couples who say "We're pregnant."  No, no you're not.  She is.

12) Skinny jeans on men....especially when they still sag.

13) Snapping your gum.

14) CAPS LOCK!

15) People who refer to themselves in the 3rd person.

16) People who MUST have the last word.  Though, I'll admit, I'm guilty of this at times.

17) People who stare.

18) People who use the phrase "110%" or more. 

19) People who talk throughout movies or ask idiotic questions like "What do you think he meant by that?"  Let's find out together, shall we?

20) "Ax'ing" questions. 

21) Bars that are far too loud.

22) People who whine.  This post isn't whiny. ;)

23) People who dress their animals. 

25) People who say something bordreline mean and follow it up with a smiley face.  That made up for it?

26) Terrible table manners.

27) Burping without saying "Pardon me" or "Excuse me".  Same goes for farting.

28) Eating with picky eaters.

29) Eating with vegans who insist on schooling me on the proper food to shove down my throat.

30) Girls who wear far too much make-up.

31) People who clip their nail in public.

32) Baby-attorneys with egos the size of Texas.

33) People who give their kids weird names.  Banjo? Apple?  Those are nouns.

34) The bottom sheet coming off the mattress.

35) Guys who wear socks during sex.  Knock it off.

36) People who leave voicemails that are longer than 30 seconds...which is the extent of my attention span.

37) People that MUST be the center of attention.

38) All music that uses an auto-tuner.

39) Vague social media statuses.  Don't ask.  I don't want to talk about it.  I just want the attention.

40) Constant pictures of your animals/kids/scriptures/quotes.

41) People that make up random facts in order to be right.

42) Little kids asking me to buy them alcohol.  Shoo!

43) People who do not wipe their kids snotty noses.

44) People who do not wipe their own noses.

45) People who pick their ears then stare at it like they've found Narnia.  Same goes for nose-picking.

46) When I make any of the above-mentioned mistakes

47) People who respond to text messages with one-word responses.  They want to get punched, right?

48) Nails down a chalkboard.

49) People who end all their sentences as though they're questions?

50) Poor customer service.
51) Forgetting what I was going to say...mid sentence.

You're all welcome :)  Here's a picture.

Naivety at it's finest...

I didn't know anything beyond the basics of sex until I was abouuuuut 19ish, give or take a year or so.  JW's, in general, are not allowed to take the usual Sex Ed classes they provide in middle school (you don't want your kids learning about condoms and birth control when they're supposed to wait until marriage anyway, so why bother), so, it left for some rather intersting conversations growing up.  I remember teaching my bestfriend at the time the "bird and the bees" via the huge medical encyclopedia I found in my parents bathroom (a lot of reading apparently went on in there). 

 

At any rate, I had no clue.  I remember in high school (the continuance one) being in a conversation where oral sex was discussed (not in detail...clearly).  Not to be outdone, I indicated that I was quite "well-versed" (seriously, I used "well-versed") in oral sex. I thought it meant you had talked about sex, so yeah, I was fluent!

 

At any rate, I received a few odd looks and couldn't figure out why.  I asked why I was looked at funny and was asked out I could know so much about oral sex considering I was so obviously naive to pretty much everything.  My answer was "Who hasn't?".  I answered that way because of the instant panic I was experiencing realizing that what I thought oral sex was maaayyyy not be what they're talking about.  Also, I really didn't want to seem uncool.  I failed.

 

A friend of mine stepped in a took me aside and asked what the definition of oral sex was.  I gave him what I thought was a "well-versed" answer and he nearly died laughing.  When it was explained (finally) to me, I was really grossed out.  I couldn't believe someone would ever put there mouth anywhere "near there".

 

There was another time where some douchebag in class asked if I had ever played with a clit.  I assumed it was an instrument and said "I've never taken music lessons".  That was fun.

 

At any rate, the urban dictionary and a few knowledgeable friends became an excellent source of information until, of course, I started figuring stuff out on my own.  Thankfully, I have since learned and have become "well-versed"...sort of.