As
a background, something pretty awful (which I won't go into detail about here)
happened about two months ago. Instead of dealing with it, I pushed it down and
went about my life. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but like most "good
ideas" regarding not dealing with things, it backfired on me.
I didn't
realize that, as strong as I perceive myself to be, I can break. I
broke...shattered would probably be a more appropriate term. My reaction was to
blame others around me for any feelings I was going through and not look at the
actual problem bothering me. Terrible thing to do, I know...which leads me to
lesson 1. Don't make your problems someone else's.
I
had always assumed that keeping a stiff upper lip was the way to go. Granted,
in certain situations, yeah, keep it together. But, when others ask what's
wrong and you deny the issue, it helps no one, least of all yourself....which
leads me to lesson 2). Be honest with yourself and others.
Lashing
out became second nature. I've always been a little bit of a cynic, but was
never really an angry person. Lashing out at others over small mistakes or
misunderstandings in order to deny what was going on was not the way to handle
things, but in my screwed up head, it provided a band-aid to not deal with the
issue a bit longer....which leads me to lesson 3 and 4. A band-aid cannot fix a
broken arm and, lashing out at others is a fantastic way to alienate yourself
from others.
Once
I started realizing what was going on, I reached out to a couple people who I
knew would be understanding and kind (even though I'd been a bit of a bitch).
They know who they are and I'll be forever grateful. Realizing that I wasn't alone (which is so cliche to say,
but very true) was a God-send...which leads me to lesson 5. While opening up to
others has always been difficult for me, learning to do so has both brought me
closer to those I love and taught me the value of communication...healthy
communication.
Granted,
I'm certainly no expert at healthy communication and probably should have
learned it years ago, but, perhaps it took something traumatic to jolt me into
action. I suppose, in that way, I can take something positive away from the
experience....which leads me to the last lesson. Healthy communication with
others is the only way to be able to start healing.
Realizing
all of this has made me realize that, in the last few months, though I was
Kiersten from Hell, I've learned a lot about myself and my own personal
boundaries.
Ok,
that's all for this out-pour of mushiness.
Here's a picture :)
